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| I am s drunken asshole ....see myspace for more details...virgomaiac...or ashley proctor
that will get u there
wow I can s[e;;
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| Three sessions in to therapy and I have already been sent to see a Psychiatrist for meds. I'm not going to lie, I haven't felt this horrible in all of my life. For the first time ever I couldn't care less whether I live or die, and I'm being honest.
I know I'm making improvments, but it turns out things are far worse than I suspected, and I have a lot of things to sort through. This is not my sob story. It is me admitting to myself and everyone that I was not given the proper tools earlier in life to deal with the negative cognitive processes my brain puts me through.
I'm signing off for a while, until I get better. Xanga is just another way for me to cushion the blow of what my life has become to everyone. I'll meet up with you guys soon. Now I just need to focus on not dying or losing my mind, or both.
Everyone has moved to myspace anyway. I am definately not cool enough for one of those. I don't even know how to set one up because I suck that badly.
Love and grattitude...ash.
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| Update:
I chickened out and did not go to the Grease audition. Actually, its okay, because I have a very busy summer coming up. I am taking Spanish and Cell Biology so I can hurry up and wait to get into Penn Valley's nursing rotation. Yes I am a little bit disappointed in myself, but at least I had my priorities strait this time.
So I just started this eight week intensive history class, and yeah, its a whole lot of work. Unfortunately, my inability to concetrate has become worse in the past year or so, and the text book we have for the class jumps all over the place and doesn't explain why certain events are significant. I really like the professor though. He is articulate, and interesting, which is something my professors before lacked, and that is part of the reason I have yet to make it through history with a sufficient grade before.
I'm still just trying to organize this nightmarish mess of a life I have. I'm a little more fucked up than people give me credit for, but therapy is the best thing I could be doing for myself right now. I seriously can't stress enough how wonderful Gloria, my therapist is. I think she really understands where I am coming from most times, and just feeling understood and being able to talk to someone candidly has improved my well being drastically. Yes, it is very painful to bring up some of the repressed emotions and memories of long ago, but I am ridding myself of these negatives once and for all.
Well, off to bed I go. I have a very busy day tomorrow.
HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY, LAUREN KROEGER!!!!! YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM ME TOMORROW!!!!
-Love and grattitude..ash.
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| So therapy went very well. For the first time in my long running history with getting into therapy and then quitting, I feel like I have a therapist who may just be able to help me out. She and I discussed some pretty interesting things, and she seems to kind of know where I am coming from, which is a first for me in terms of therapist/parent relationships.
In other news, I went and saw RENT in St. Louis Saturday afternoon with Dena. Was it worth the 8 hours we spent in the car that day? Absofuckinglutely!!!!! People are right when they say you haven't experienced the true spirit of RENT until you've seen the live show. Seriously, it has been a while since something was such positive experience for me it haunted me. I've dreamt of RENT every single night since I saw the live show. My heart has never felt lighter in times of heaviness.
I am going to audition for Grease at Starlight Friday evening. I am 100% serious about this one. I even purchased the RENT songbook so I can sing "Out Tonight" for my audition. We were slow at work tonight, so I looked up monologues and practiced them in my head. The only thing I am worried about at this point is finding something comfortable/flattering to audition in. Let's face it, I am borderline "fat chick" now. Not many things hide my homebody figure any longer. Any suggestions? We have to dance too, don't forget.
I've been listening to "The Polyphonic Spree" since I bought their debut album Saturday night. I had put it on my list of CDs to get, but never got around to it until now. I think it is fantastically happy and fabulous! Its like Electric Light Orchestra meets the Carpenters. It is SOOOOOOO HAPPY! And, David Bowie helped create this upbeat, tribute to life group of singers and musicians in white robes. I must say I am impressed, and I encourage anyone who is in the mood for some ridiculously happy music to check it out.
This morning I went to Kegs and Eggs, which was conviniently located blocks from where I work, and I was there working an overnight. Myself and two of my co-workers/friends saw Jack's Manequin perform an acoustic set. Seriously, I almost cried it was so moving to see this guy perform live. If you've heard the CD, you know what I am talking about when I say this guy's voice is so amazing. They even did a cover of the Everly Brother;s "Dream", which was one of the sweetest things I have ever heard in my life. When they were finished playing, I had Andrew, the creator and lead singer of Jack's Manequin autograph my breakfast napkin, on which he wrote his signature with a happy face. I was wearing scrubs, and he was very interested in what I do at the hospital. I told him and then he told me how much he appreciates what I do for a living. I told him that was funny, because I felt the same way about what he does. Andrew, you were such a nice guy. I hope your leukemia goes into remission. How amazing is it that someone can turn an incredible album while battling the worst kind of cancer you can have? THAT is so inspiring. THAT is embracing life.
"There's only us, there's only this..." (my heart could seriously melt)
"Hey, its the sun...and it makes me shine"
"This is my mixed tape to her, its like I wrote every letter with my own fingers"
Love and grattitude...ash.
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| Therapy tomorrow. "Grease" audition next Friday. I need positive things in my life. I need help trying figure all of the easy stuff everyone else seems to know out. I need to do something that makes me feel good. I need to have activities that are fullfilling outside of this hospital. It feels like high school all over again. I want to be one of the cool kids. I am an outcast once again. Grrr...and here I thought these were supposed to be the best years of my life.
Watch "Thumbsucker" if you haven't already. It showed some interesting possibilities. I related to the main character like you wouldn't believe. Like watching my own life, except it was someone else's. Apparently it is based on a book, and there is a section on the DVD where the author of the book and the director sat down and talked about the movie adaptation. The author kept saying he was very pleased with the way the movie turned out. The actors are incredible too. It was the first time I saw Keanu Reeves in a movie and actually thought his character suited him well. There is a first time for everything, I suppose.
Love and grattitude...ash. | | |
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